sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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