I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
