i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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