New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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