Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
