You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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