I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
