I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
