I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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