sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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