You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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