she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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