she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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