ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
