Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
