My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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