So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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