Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
