im about as happy as oj after his trial
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She's the barista slut.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
