he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
