Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Can I color on your dick again?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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