She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize