Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize