i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
