i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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