he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The ass gains better be worth it
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