im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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