burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
