your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
