I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
