just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize