I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
