I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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