the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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