No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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