I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
