Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
