Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
