I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
