it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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