All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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