Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize