DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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