first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
