she woke up with a sticky ear
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Operation Purity has been aborted
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
