god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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