FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
