it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
