Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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