i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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