I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
