Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
