he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
