I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
