just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
