Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
