Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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